Monday, September 21, 2015
It has been such a long time since I have written anything here. In the moments of epic changes in my life I tend not to write anything... which seems backwards... but true nonetheless. I moved out of my home Chicago a little over 2 years ago. I never thought I would leave Chicago, but it has been quite an amazing, eye opening journey since I left. I will write more on that later. I would love if any of my readers want me to address any specific aspects of society or any certain subjects they would leave a comment under this post. Otherwise I will continue to address the issues that are most important to me. Love to you all.
-Tabi
Sunday, April 14, 2013
remembering
i remember my mom leaving.... dissapearing in fact and i never knew what mysterious place she went.... i remember the comfort of a older man stranger when i was only 5..... he made me feel like i was not alone...while taking my innocence... i didnt know or didnt understand that what he was doing was so wrong. sometimes i wonder what is the point of all this... the point of life. all across this nation and the world. so much pain and loss and sadness. im tired. very tired. all i can hope for is that my daughter will know love.... because i never knew a parents love in the right sense of the word.... i search for peace. for true love of myself and others..... and i pray to the great spirit for pace and wisdom to love better and make better decisions....
Monday, July 9, 2012
just a rambling ramble......
time to try to express what has been on my mind since November...well that would be a book. haha,,,,, anyways here it goes:
the past haunts my present...always has.
every-time i try to run away there it is staring me in the face... exploding out of my head and heart...making it difficult to see whats real and what is just the past replaying.
the world gets sicker everyday...police are Nazi's and have free rein to terrorize the people they are supposedly protecting..although we all know that they are only protecting white people....so i guess they are doing their job as Nazis. Life is so unfair in other countries and even here ... based on your color of skin comes a different quality of life. and 3rd world countries owing national debt to America and Europe even though Europe colonized most of those countries and took all their resources forcing them into starvation and poverty... and when people are forced into such deep poverty it creates madness a lot of the time. how can it not. oppression the beast. colonization the culprit....
I love so intensely and even when i walk away parts of my heart are lost to lovers almost every time.....
lately i have been wondering why men are so sick? are they born that way....so many men liking little girls not even of age..... i know media makes little girls dressed up looking like sex objects okay...but it makes me want to vomit. No one is exempt. I watch my daughter..she is so beautiful and am scared for her future. these vultures. these evil perverts.... my biggest wish for my dear daughter is that she will own her worth. no one will affect how she sees herself...beautiful. smart. wise. emotionally observant and so many other things.....
when it comes to love ... it has always puzzled me and intrigued me. i realize i am not only afraid of being abandoned.. i am afraid of not being enough. like even if someone stays with me that they will always wish i was more then i am in every way....and maybe that's because i
always feel like i can be better...but we all can. also i am hard to please in a relationship. theres always so much room to evolve and learn and grow and learn. we are not born knowing how to love in a healthy way. i think out=r childhoods mold how we look for love and receive love and then when we get older we have to sort out the healthy ways of finding love and the unhealthy ones. i have come to a point that i know that i push people away when i think i start loving them and theres a chance that they don't love me to the same extent . and now i just don't want to deal with the feeling of always questioning if this one will last..... okay I'm rambling and not making sense. this was just some things on my mind and i haven't written on here in over 6 months so i am back and ready to express.....
i leave you with this song:
http://youtu.be/-f8sZJY5gz0
Thursday, November 17, 2011
my paper i wrote
Anthony Coore
Tabitha Trott
SPA 222-66
Mr. Jose Arrom
November 8, 2011
The aim of this paper is not only to educate but to graft a better understanding of the role of reggae music and its influence on the people of Jamaica and all over the world. I believe for Jamaica the importance of their culture and subcultures have never truly been investigated and realized by the majority of Jamaicans or by the world at large. Ska, Rock steady and Reggae were major influences in Jamaican’s daily life and political structure. An African influence came to Jamaica through the slave trade in the West Indies. Africans influenced Ska, calypso, and rock steady. Rock steady was the forerunner for reggae (1). Jamaicans searched for their own unique sound to express their struggles in their oppressive society. They discovered this in the culture of the Rastafarians.
Jamaica being the third largest island in the Caribbean is known for its local fascinating culture found throughout the island including the music, dance, songs and food. An island colonized by Christopher Columbus, with its earliest inhabitants being the Taino Indians, also known as the Arawak. The island is 4,243 square miles in size with a coast line of 634 miles and is located in the Caribbean Sea just 90 miles of south Cuba. It carries various numbers of different ethnic groups with the largest group being from African descent. Also interweaved in this ethnic majority was the European culture of the white slave masters.
With most countries that the majority is living in deep poverty, there is a rebellion that springs from racism and oppression. According to The Gleaner, a Jamaican newspaper, “up to a third of Jamaicans are out and out illiterate in the 21st century, others are semi-literate; and up to three-quarters of the people in the low-wage economy have no formal skills training.”(2)
“The wealth is distributed largely along racial lines, reflecting Jamaica's slave- plantation heritage. The descendants of black slaves tend to be among the poorest classes in Jamaica, while white and mixed-race descendants of plantation owners and traders tend to be better off. These extremes are reflected in the nation's distribution of income: in 1996 the wealthiest 20 percent of Jamaicans controlled 43.9 percent of the wealth, while the poorest 20 percent controlled only 7 percent. In fact, the poorest 60 percent controlled just 34.3 percent of wealth. Due in large part to the decline of services in urban slums, the percentage of people with access to safe water has declined from 96 percent in the period from 1982-85 to 70 percent in the period from 1990-96; access to sanitation facilities (plumbed toilets) has dropped from 91 percent to 74 percent in the same period.”(3)
To truly understand the roots of Reggae music, we have to understand the major religion in Jamaica which is known as Rastafarianism. The Rasta story is first linked to a Jamaican man living in America in the 1800’s named Marcus Garvey. Marcus Garvey prophesied that from Africa there would be a savior that would come and would deliver the American blacks back to Africa. Garvey also believed that only Africans should be in power in Africa. He was dedicated to African Americans to being resettled in Africa. In 1930 there was a prince that came to power in Ethiopia. His family name was Tafari and as was common in Ethiopia, Tafari took the Amharic title of Ras. When Ras Tafari had his coronation he took the new name of His Imperial Majesty Emperor Haile Selassie I. Selassie I invited blacks living outside Africa to return to the motherland and return to Shasamene. Thus, this Emperor was the fulfillment of the prophecy that Marcus Garvey spoke of and was believed to be the reincarnation of God in human form.
The fundamental belief that the Rastafarians held was that HIM Emperor Haile Selassie I was the savior and they worshipped him accordingly. “The Rasta movement also believed that the bible was Satan’s ploy to mislead the faithful.”(1) In Christian religion the paradise that we go when we die is called heaven. In the Rastafarian tradition it is called Zion. The Rasta is commonly a vegetarian, and sometimes eats small fish or shellfish. The Rastafarians do not eat pork or any animal that have cloven hoof. “The colors of the Ethiopian flag are used often. Red is for the blood spilt in defending themselves and their ways, gold for the riches stolen from the blacks, and green for fertility of the land.” (1) Rasta’s valued living as naturally as possible. Their hair being a tree with roots, like dreadlocks. They believed in not being part of the normal society and going against vanity. Locks and Weed were very large parts of the Rastafarian culture.
The 1950’s the so called ”race music” was beginning to take over the radio. In 1958 they began to release songs in Jamaica by local artists. In 1959 the very first “ska” record was cut. Groups such as the skattelites and Israelites were the first ska groups to form and gain international attention and were the leaders of the ska movement. In 1963 a group made up of Bob Marley, Peter Tosh, and Bunny Wailer had their very first hit called “Simmer Down”. This song by the Wailers was written as a direct message to the rude boys. In the mid sixties ska had over time had mixed with soul music. This music soon became rock steady which was associated with the rude boys. This rude boy mentality is portrayed through music and culture. The first rude boys were associated with the poorest sections of Kingston, Jamaica and were also usually argueing.
Rastafarians used Reggae as their voice to Jah and also against the Political oppression that was oppressing them daily. “Reggae music was made up of traditional African Drums, Jazz and rock steady. Reggae music is all about poverty, social injustice, religion, and love and because of the turmoil faced by Jamaicans have faced over the years it speaks directly from the soul.” Some say the beat that is consistent in almost every reggae song is representative of a human heartbeat.
Bob Marley was the first Jamaican singer to take reggae music to a higher level and to be internationally known for the love of his songs. Bob Marley was a Rastafarian and believed intensely in Jah and Haile Selassie. He believed his purpose was to be a prophet of truth and social awareness and social justice not just for his fellow Jamaicans but also for African Americans. “Marley’s music grew out of both severe and constant economic impoverishment as well as politics content with the government and its policies; and it is in this context that as well his music must be analyzed and understood.”(5)
Reggae music and its lyrics changed Jamaican peoples lives in the 1970’s and 1980’s as well as today. Its lyrics cry out for the government, politicians, and police to stop oppressing the people living in poverty and the black people and native people with whom they have been keeping down by psychological and physical warfare.
One of the songs that was most influential for people of color was “Redemption Song.” Partial lyrics to this song are:
“Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery
None but ourselves can free our minds
Have no fear for atomic energy
'Cause none of them can stop the time
How long shall they kill our prophets
While we stand aside and look?
Ooh Some say it's just a part of it
We've got to fulfill the book
Won't you help to sing
These songs of freedom?
'Cause all I ever have
Redemption songs”
This song made oppressed people have a voice they could finally relate to.
Jamaica is a island that is diverse in culture, ethnicity, music, dance, and political views. Is is one of the most beautiful islands and also one of the most impoverished islands. The wealthy make up a small percentage of the people and the majority are living in poverty. There is a lot of discrimination, especially when it comes to police and people of color. This is similar to the police here in the United States. Reggae music is not just entertainment but it is the heart of the Jamaican people. It brings unity and takes pain away even in the darkest of times. “One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain, so hit me with music, hit me with music.”
Tabitha Trott
SPA 222-66
Mr. Jose Arrom
November 8, 2011
The aim of this paper is not only to educate but to graft a better understanding of the role of reggae music and its influence on the people of Jamaica and all over the world. I believe for Jamaica the importance of their culture and subcultures have never truly been investigated and realized by the majority of Jamaicans or by the world at large. Ska, Rock steady and Reggae were major influences in Jamaican’s daily life and political structure. An African influence came to Jamaica through the slave trade in the West Indies. Africans influenced Ska, calypso, and rock steady. Rock steady was the forerunner for reggae (1). Jamaicans searched for their own unique sound to express their struggles in their oppressive society. They discovered this in the culture of the Rastafarians.
Jamaica being the third largest island in the Caribbean is known for its local fascinating culture found throughout the island including the music, dance, songs and food. An island colonized by Christopher Columbus, with its earliest inhabitants being the Taino Indians, also known as the Arawak. The island is 4,243 square miles in size with a coast line of 634 miles and is located in the Caribbean Sea just 90 miles of south Cuba. It carries various numbers of different ethnic groups with the largest group being from African descent. Also interweaved in this ethnic majority was the European culture of the white slave masters.
With most countries that the majority is living in deep poverty, there is a rebellion that springs from racism and oppression. According to The Gleaner, a Jamaican newspaper, “up to a third of Jamaicans are out and out illiterate in the 21st century, others are semi-literate; and up to three-quarters of the people in the low-wage economy have no formal skills training.”(2)
“The wealth is distributed largely along racial lines, reflecting Jamaica's slave- plantation heritage. The descendants of black slaves tend to be among the poorest classes in Jamaica, while white and mixed-race descendants of plantation owners and traders tend to be better off. These extremes are reflected in the nation's distribution of income: in 1996 the wealthiest 20 percent of Jamaicans controlled 43.9 percent of the wealth, while the poorest 20 percent controlled only 7 percent. In fact, the poorest 60 percent controlled just 34.3 percent of wealth. Due in large part to the decline of services in urban slums, the percentage of people with access to safe water has declined from 96 percent in the period from 1982-85 to 70 percent in the period from 1990-96; access to sanitation facilities (plumbed toilets) has dropped from 91 percent to 74 percent in the same period.”(3)
To truly understand the roots of Reggae music, we have to understand the major religion in Jamaica which is known as Rastafarianism. The Rasta story is first linked to a Jamaican man living in America in the 1800’s named Marcus Garvey. Marcus Garvey prophesied that from Africa there would be a savior that would come and would deliver the American blacks back to Africa. Garvey also believed that only Africans should be in power in Africa. He was dedicated to African Americans to being resettled in Africa. In 1930 there was a prince that came to power in Ethiopia. His family name was Tafari and as was common in Ethiopia, Tafari took the Amharic title of Ras. When Ras Tafari had his coronation he took the new name of His Imperial Majesty Emperor Haile Selassie I. Selassie I invited blacks living outside Africa to return to the motherland and return to Shasamene. Thus, this Emperor was the fulfillment of the prophecy that Marcus Garvey spoke of and was believed to be the reincarnation of God in human form.
The fundamental belief that the Rastafarians held was that HIM Emperor Haile Selassie I was the savior and they worshipped him accordingly. “The Rasta movement also believed that the bible was Satan’s ploy to mislead the faithful.”(1) In Christian religion the paradise that we go when we die is called heaven. In the Rastafarian tradition it is called Zion. The Rasta is commonly a vegetarian, and sometimes eats small fish or shellfish. The Rastafarians do not eat pork or any animal that have cloven hoof. “The colors of the Ethiopian flag are used often. Red is for the blood spilt in defending themselves and their ways, gold for the riches stolen from the blacks, and green for fertility of the land.” (1) Rasta’s valued living as naturally as possible. Their hair being a tree with roots, like dreadlocks. They believed in not being part of the normal society and going against vanity. Locks and Weed were very large parts of the Rastafarian culture.
The 1950’s the so called ”race music” was beginning to take over the radio. In 1958 they began to release songs in Jamaica by local artists. In 1959 the very first “ska” record was cut. Groups such as the skattelites and Israelites were the first ska groups to form and gain international attention and were the leaders of the ska movement. In 1963 a group made up of Bob Marley, Peter Tosh, and Bunny Wailer had their very first hit called “Simmer Down”. This song by the Wailers was written as a direct message to the rude boys. In the mid sixties ska had over time had mixed with soul music. This music soon became rock steady which was associated with the rude boys. This rude boy mentality is portrayed through music and culture. The first rude boys were associated with the poorest sections of Kingston, Jamaica and were also usually argueing.
Rastafarians used Reggae as their voice to Jah and also against the Political oppression that was oppressing them daily. “Reggae music was made up of traditional African Drums, Jazz and rock steady. Reggae music is all about poverty, social injustice, religion, and love and because of the turmoil faced by Jamaicans have faced over the years it speaks directly from the soul.” Some say the beat that is consistent in almost every reggae song is representative of a human heartbeat.
Bob Marley was the first Jamaican singer to take reggae music to a higher level and to be internationally known for the love of his songs. Bob Marley was a Rastafarian and believed intensely in Jah and Haile Selassie. He believed his purpose was to be a prophet of truth and social awareness and social justice not just for his fellow Jamaicans but also for African Americans. “Marley’s music grew out of both severe and constant economic impoverishment as well as politics content with the government and its policies; and it is in this context that as well his music must be analyzed and understood.”(5)
Reggae music and its lyrics changed Jamaican peoples lives in the 1970’s and 1980’s as well as today. Its lyrics cry out for the government, politicians, and police to stop oppressing the people living in poverty and the black people and native people with whom they have been keeping down by psychological and physical warfare.
One of the songs that was most influential for people of color was “Redemption Song.” Partial lyrics to this song are:
“Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery
None but ourselves can free our minds
Have no fear for atomic energy
'Cause none of them can stop the time
How long shall they kill our prophets
While we stand aside and look?
Ooh Some say it's just a part of it
We've got to fulfill the book
Won't you help to sing
These songs of freedom?
'Cause all I ever have
Redemption songs”
This song made oppressed people have a voice they could finally relate to.
Jamaica is a island that is diverse in culture, ethnicity, music, dance, and political views. Is is one of the most beautiful islands and also one of the most impoverished islands. The wealthy make up a small percentage of the people and the majority are living in poverty. There is a lot of discrimination, especially when it comes to police and people of color. This is similar to the police here in the United States. Reggae music is not just entertainment but it is the heart of the Jamaican people. It brings unity and takes pain away even in the darkest of times. “One good thing about music, when it hits you feel no pain, so hit me with music, hit me with music.”
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
empty spaces... by tabitha t.
there are days when i see things beyond you
beyond me.. beyond this room and this apartment... beyond this city
this country.,,,,,,,,, actually most days i feel caught between this life around me
and the life playing out in my thoughts and mind.....
words are the most powerful thing we have and words speak things into existence as if
there was a blank canvas before and we are painting it with our fears and laughter and love...
the more people i encounter the more i realize most of us just want to be happy...
what people fail to realize that, in my opinion, to be self aware and aware of whats going on in the world and even at your neighbors house... theres alot of pain there. alot of injustice..
how can i be happy when someone else is being raped or killed, or is starving? is that fair???.
ugh, i can't really get my thoughts together. i haven't written anything in so long, it is like i forgot how.so these are just some thoughts swirling in my head.... or more like questions i'm asking myself today::::
-does anyone really lovve another person? like true love.
-do we as a society even know what love is?
-when people leave does the energy you had together and shared live forever?
-why do we all lie?
-why aren't we nicer and lore caring for each other as a whole.....
-bbbbbllllahhhhhhh
it has been a long week/month/year...........
and i want some real peace. peace only comes when we heal and when we face
reality in our own lives and the lives of others.... so instead of praying for peace
i'm going to pray for courage to face the shadows and uncover them.... and then start true healing......................then comes the peace. it is like i'm climbing the mountain.
-
beyond me.. beyond this room and this apartment... beyond this city
this country.,,,,,,,,, actually most days i feel caught between this life around me
and the life playing out in my thoughts and mind.....
words are the most powerful thing we have and words speak things into existence as if
there was a blank canvas before and we are painting it with our fears and laughter and love...
the more people i encounter the more i realize most of us just want to be happy...
what people fail to realize that, in my opinion, to be self aware and aware of whats going on in the world and even at your neighbors house... theres alot of pain there. alot of injustice..
how can i be happy when someone else is being raped or killed, or is starving? is that fair???.
ugh, i can't really get my thoughts together. i haven't written anything in so long, it is like i forgot how.so these are just some thoughts swirling in my head.... or more like questions i'm asking myself today::::
-does anyone really lovve another person? like true love.
-do we as a society even know what love is?
-when people leave does the energy you had together and shared live forever?
-why do we all lie?
-why aren't we nicer and lore caring for each other as a whole.....
-bbbbbllllahhhhhhh
it has been a long week/month/year...........
and i want some real peace. peace only comes when we heal and when we face
reality in our own lives and the lives of others.... so instead of praying for peace
i'm going to pray for courage to face the shadows and uncover them.... and then start true healing......................then comes the peace. it is like i'm climbing the mountain.
-
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
tired
......Yeah i could tell myself and people around me I don't care about finding love.
but to be honest we all want love. I realize finding love within myself alone is the first step , but i also desire love of another.. someone to talk to and hold and be held and confide in...... but honestly these days in our society the chances of meeting someone that has their shit together and that you can relate to and be real with and possibly build a future with is like finding, excuse the expression, a needle in a haystack.... I know i am NOT the only one that experiences this dilemma. and it is very disheartening to try to be open to meeting someone and then to be disappointed over and over and over again by the lack of communication and seriousness of the other partner.... I have been told over and over again that i take life too seriously, but life is SERIOUS people. When you date a person, please, don't leave them worse off then when you first met them. One DECISION can change the course of your life and others lives. Our choices effect so much more then just that moment and ourselves. WE have to be contentious and realize that we have a responsibility as human beings to care for one another and be fragile with others feelings and hearts.
We are doing a bad job at love.
If you have a girlfriend, treat her right and stop lying and cheating..
If you have a boyfriend stop keeping them at arms length let them in and share.
I believe in love..... love is the only thing that casts out fear as Martin Luther king Jr. said.
These are just some random thoughts running through my mind today. Let's love better. listen better. Be there for each other better. Be careful with each others souls....
because we are all connected and all one. Let's Be honest with one another... and with ourselves.
peace.
-tabitha gwinn
but to be honest we all want love. I realize finding love within myself alone is the first step , but i also desire love of another.. someone to talk to and hold and be held and confide in...... but honestly these days in our society the chances of meeting someone that has their shit together and that you can relate to and be real with and possibly build a future with is like finding, excuse the expression, a needle in a haystack.... I know i am NOT the only one that experiences this dilemma. and it is very disheartening to try to be open to meeting someone and then to be disappointed over and over and over again by the lack of communication and seriousness of the other partner.... I have been told over and over again that i take life too seriously, but life is SERIOUS people. When you date a person, please, don't leave them worse off then when you first met them. One DECISION can change the course of your life and others lives. Our choices effect so much more then just that moment and ourselves. WE have to be contentious and realize that we have a responsibility as human beings to care for one another and be fragile with others feelings and hearts.
We are doing a bad job at love.
If you have a girlfriend, treat her right and stop lying and cheating..
If you have a boyfriend stop keeping them at arms length let them in and share.
I believe in love..... love is the only thing that casts out fear as Martin Luther king Jr. said.
These are just some random thoughts running through my mind today. Let's love better. listen better. Be there for each other better. Be careful with each others souls....
because we are all connected and all one. Let's Be honest with one another... and with ourselves.
peace.
-tabitha gwinn
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
2011 by tabitha trott
Writings by Tabitha Trott: January 4th 2011
My desire..
“A love that heals.
A love that saves.
Unconditional in all parts, each day-
Even just that one moment each day that I am healed by love.”
For my George:
“Not wanting to just be…to just wait… for you to show me I’m worth something…..
for you to tell me I matter, that I mean something to you.. waiting, impatiently...like my life has no meaning without your calls, without your words, or your touch…your presence and your care……I’m so tired of waiting.
I haven’t written in months…feels like years.
Not even knowing how to begin but overflowing with feeling...with words making lines and sentences that re not understandable to anyone but myself.
I don’t know how to say what I need to say,,,,
I need to get it out:
The death of self. Not even recognizing this shiny Tabitha I have become…glitter/glamour/ selling my beauty for love (or feeling beautiful for love)…
Forgetting the things that made me truly beautiful which is the pain, the struggle for survival, the strength to keep existing even when I’m not alive. I give love when I don’t even have any left to give. The only thing I can still see of the real Tabitha is that I still can’t help but cry with those in pain, to feel the sorrow with those grieving, to hold those who need touch, to try to fix things and people that are broken… those parts of me still glimmer in the light….
I don’t even know what the past year of life has done to my insides….I bleed like never before…, but at the same moment when you are so used to pain- you become numb to it.
I want so badly to love with a wholeness… with my true self… with my insides…and to also be loved back. The worst thing of all is that I DON’T WANT TO WANT LOVE. I am tired of being in love with love…and being killed by disappointment and the weight of a meaningless relationship that I once believed meant everything.
The wind has been my friend for so long. I remember it blowing my hair, brushing against my skin… as a child it held me and when I would look up to the sky as if it would tell me all it’s sacred secrets… I thought it might hold all the answers for me.
Wind and Water…. MY two old friends. Wind that pushes that caresses…water that holds you when nobody else will….
………….I become part of the soul of this world when I even, for one moment, feel loved.
That’s why I crave it
That’s why I kill for it
That’s why I push it…force it….
------ I want to stop. I am tired of being strong…I want to be weak, but I will die of I am fragile… This life..my life….keeps shooting me down…breaking me/ lifting, pulling and I crash into myself.
The weight in my heart is so heavy. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. The constant let down… I want to stop wanting so badly. It takes over everything else. I want to stop feeling so deeply, because it seems like I am the only one that does.
My desire..
“A love that heals.
A love that saves.
Unconditional in all parts, each day-
Even just that one moment each day that I am healed by love.”
For my George:
“Not wanting to just be…to just wait… for you to show me I’m worth something…..
for you to tell me I matter, that I mean something to you.. waiting, impatiently...like my life has no meaning without your calls, without your words, or your touch…your presence and your care……I’m so tired of waiting.
I haven’t written in months…feels like years.
Not even knowing how to begin but overflowing with feeling...with words making lines and sentences that re not understandable to anyone but myself.
I don’t know how to say what I need to say,,,,
I need to get it out:
The death of self. Not even recognizing this shiny Tabitha I have become…glitter/glamour/ selling my beauty for love (or feeling beautiful for love)…
Forgetting the things that made me truly beautiful which is the pain, the struggle for survival, the strength to keep existing even when I’m not alive. I give love when I don’t even have any left to give. The only thing I can still see of the real Tabitha is that I still can’t help but cry with those in pain, to feel the sorrow with those grieving, to hold those who need touch, to try to fix things and people that are broken… those parts of me still glimmer in the light….
I don’t even know what the past year of life has done to my insides….I bleed like never before…, but at the same moment when you are so used to pain- you become numb to it.
I want so badly to love with a wholeness… with my true self… with my insides…and to also be loved back. The worst thing of all is that I DON’T WANT TO WANT LOVE. I am tired of being in love with love…and being killed by disappointment and the weight of a meaningless relationship that I once believed meant everything.
The wind has been my friend for so long. I remember it blowing my hair, brushing against my skin… as a child it held me and when I would look up to the sky as if it would tell me all it’s sacred secrets… I thought it might hold all the answers for me.
Wind and Water…. MY two old friends. Wind that pushes that caresses…water that holds you when nobody else will….
………….I become part of the soul of this world when I even, for one moment, feel loved.
That’s why I crave it
That’s why I kill for it
That’s why I push it…force it….
------ I want to stop. I am tired of being strong…I want to be weak, but I will die of I am fragile… This life..my life….keeps shooting me down…breaking me/ lifting, pulling and I crash into myself.
The weight in my heart is so heavy. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. The constant let down… I want to stop wanting so badly. It takes over everything else. I want to stop feeling so deeply, because it seems like I am the only one that does.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
the inside of me.
i want to be reborn.........
to stop being haunted by my past and scared of my future.
i want to beleive that there is a reason for all of this...
i have to choose death even though my insides might break in two...
my heart might break from the thought of you gone forever.
you who i dont even know.... my beautiful one.
i will look for you in the stars and think of you everyday...
i love love love you, and i am sorry ... so sorry.
i hope i will meet you one day.
to stop being haunted by my past and scared of my future.
i want to beleive that there is a reason for all of this...
i have to choose death even though my insides might break in two...
my heart might break from the thought of you gone forever.
you who i dont even know.... my beautiful one.
i will look for you in the stars and think of you everyday...
i love love love you, and i am sorry ... so sorry.
i hope i will meet you one day.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
I WANT TO FIND ME SOUL A HOME
Alone.... by MAYA ANGELOU
Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Maya Angelou
Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Maya Angelou
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
TUPAC's song "Keep ya head up"
Little somethin for my godson Elijah and a little girl named Kerim
Some say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice
I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots
I give a holler to my sisters on welfare
Tupac cares, if don't nobody else care
And uhh, I know they like to beat ya down a lot
When you come around the block brothas clown a lot
But please don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up
Forgive but don't forget, girl keep your head up
And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
Cause sista you don't need him
And I ain't tryin to gas ya up, I just call em how I see em
You know it makes me unhappy (what's that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up
[Chorus]
Keep ya head up, oooo child things are gonna get easier
ooooo child things'll
get brighter [2x]
[Verse Two:]
Aiyyo, I remember Marvin Gaye, used to sing ta me
He had me feelin like black was tha thing to be
And suddenly tha ghetto didn't seem so tough
And though we had it rough, we always had enough
I huffed and puffed about my curfew and broke the rules
Ran with the local crew, and had a smoke or two
And I realize momma really paid the price
She nearly gave her life, to raise me right
And all I had ta give her was my pipe dream
Of how I'd rock the mic, and make it to tha bright screen
I'm tryin to make a dollar out of fifteen cents
It's hard to be legit and still pay tha rent
And in the end it seems I'm headin for tha pen
I try and find my friends, but they're blowin in the wind
Last night my buddy lost his whole family
It's gonna take the man in me to conquer this insanity
It seems tha rain'll never let up
I try to keep my head up, and still keep from gettin wet up
You know it's funny when it rains it pours
They got money for wars, but can't feed the poor
Say there ain't no hope for the youth and the truth is
it ain't no hope for tha future
And then they wonder why we crazy
I blame my mother, for turning my brother into a crack baby
We ain't meant to survive, cause it's a setup
And even though you're fed up
Huh, ya got to keep your head up
[Chorus]
[Verse Three:]
And uhh
To all the ladies havin babies on they own
I know it's kinda rough and you're feelin all alone
Daddy's long gone and he left you by ya lonesome
Thank the Lord for my kids, even if nobody else want em
Cause I think we can make it, in fact, I'm sure
And if you fall, stand tall and comeback for more
Cause ain't nuttin worse than when your son
wants to kno why his daddy don't love him no mo'
You can't complain you was dealt this
hell of a hand without a man, feelin helpless
Because there's too many things for you to deal with
Dying inside, but outside you're looking fearless
While da tears, is rollin down your cheeks
Ya steady hopin things don't fall down this week
Cause if it did, you couldn't take it, and don't blame me
I was given this world I didn't make it
And now my son's getten older and older and cold
From havin the world on his shoulders
While the rich kids is drivin Benz
I'm still tryin to hold on to my survivin friends
And it's crazy, it seems it'll never let up, but
please... you got to keep your head up
Some say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice
I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots
I give a holler to my sisters on welfare
Tupac cares, if don't nobody else care
And uhh, I know they like to beat ya down a lot
When you come around the block brothas clown a lot
But please don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up
Forgive but don't forget, girl keep your head up
And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
Cause sista you don't need him
And I ain't tryin to gas ya up, I just call em how I see em
You know it makes me unhappy (what's that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up
[Chorus]
Keep ya head up, oooo child things are gonna get easier
ooooo child things'll
get brighter [2x]
[Verse Two:]
Aiyyo, I remember Marvin Gaye, used to sing ta me
He had me feelin like black was tha thing to be
And suddenly tha ghetto didn't seem so tough
And though we had it rough, we always had enough
I huffed and puffed about my curfew and broke the rules
Ran with the local crew, and had a smoke or two
And I realize momma really paid the price
She nearly gave her life, to raise me right
And all I had ta give her was my pipe dream
Of how I'd rock the mic, and make it to tha bright screen
I'm tryin to make a dollar out of fifteen cents
It's hard to be legit and still pay tha rent
And in the end it seems I'm headin for tha pen
I try and find my friends, but they're blowin in the wind
Last night my buddy lost his whole family
It's gonna take the man in me to conquer this insanity
It seems tha rain'll never let up
I try to keep my head up, and still keep from gettin wet up
You know it's funny when it rains it pours
They got money for wars, but can't feed the poor
Say there ain't no hope for the youth and the truth is
it ain't no hope for tha future
And then they wonder why we crazy
I blame my mother, for turning my brother into a crack baby
We ain't meant to survive, cause it's a setup
And even though you're fed up
Huh, ya got to keep your head up
[Chorus]
[Verse Three:]
And uhh
To all the ladies havin babies on they own
I know it's kinda rough and you're feelin all alone
Daddy's long gone and he left you by ya lonesome
Thank the Lord for my kids, even if nobody else want em
Cause I think we can make it, in fact, I'm sure
And if you fall, stand tall and comeback for more
Cause ain't nuttin worse than when your son
wants to kno why his daddy don't love him no mo'
You can't complain you was dealt this
hell of a hand without a man, feelin helpless
Because there's too many things for you to deal with
Dying inside, but outside you're looking fearless
While da tears, is rollin down your cheeks
Ya steady hopin things don't fall down this week
Cause if it did, you couldn't take it, and don't blame me
I was given this world I didn't make it
And now my son's getten older and older and cold
From havin the world on his shoulders
While the rich kids is drivin Benz
I'm still tryin to hold on to my survivin friends
And it's crazy, it seems it'll never let up, but
please... you got to keep your head up
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
forever????
filled with too many light airy empty places.....
i think i'm finally understanding what is happening to me
i have given up on my childish, yet beautiful ideals and am looking torward to the everyday.... the many i told you so's playing over and over again... taunting me.
can we ever see. truly see
can i ever just accept im not made for love..
not romantic long lasting love
it will never have it but i keep pushing for it
like it will save me...
but i know it won't...
i just keep pushing ... and giving and taking
i cannot do it anymore....
i wont
ahhhhhhh it is freeing to let go of some thing that never
really existed..... only in my heart and mind....
i think i'm finally understanding what is happening to me
i have given up on my childish, yet beautiful ideals and am looking torward to the everyday.... the many i told you so's playing over and over again... taunting me.
can we ever see. truly see
can i ever just accept im not made for love..
not romantic long lasting love
it will never have it but i keep pushing for it
like it will save me...
but i know it won't...
i just keep pushing ... and giving and taking
i cannot do it anymore....
i wont
ahhhhhhh it is freeing to let go of some thing that never
really existed..... only in my heart and mind....
Friday, February 26, 2010
The Reality for First Nations in Canada
The Reality for First Nations in Canada
First Nations people in Canada…
Live in Third World conditions:
· First Nations living conditions or quality of life ranks 63rd, or amongst Third World conditions, according to an Indian and Northern Affairs Canada study that applied First Nations-specific statistics to the Human Development Index created by the United Nations.[1]
· Canada dropped from first to eighth as the best country in the world to live primarily due to housing and health conditions in First Nations communities.
· The First Nations’ infant mortality rate is 1.5 times higher than the Canadian infant mortality rate.[2]
· A study by Indian Affairs (the “Community Well-being Index”) assessed quality of life in 4,685 Canadian communities based on education, labour force activity, income and housing. There was only one First Nation community in the Top 100. There were 92 First Nations in the Bottom 100. Half of all First Nations communities score in the lower range of the index compared with 3% of other Canadian communities.
Die earlier than other Canadians:
· A First Nations man will die 7.4 years earlier than a non-Aboriginal Canadian. A First Nations woman will die 5.2 years earlier than her non-Aboriginal counterpart (life expectancy for First Nations citizens is estimated at 68.9 years for males and 76.6 years for females).[3]
Face increased rates of suicide, diabetes, tuberculosis and HIV/AIDS:
· The First Nations suicide rate is more than twice the Canadian rate. Suicide is now among the leading causes of death among First Nations between the ages of 10 and 24, with the rate estimated to be five to six times higher than that of non-Aboriginal youth.[4]
· The prevalence of diabetes among First Nations is at least three times the national average, with high rates across all age groups.[5]
· Tuberculosis rates for First Nations populations on-reserve are 8 to 10 times higher than those for the Canadian population.[6]
· Aboriginal peoples make up only 5% of the total population in Canada but represent 16% of new HIV infections. Of these, 45% are women and 40% are under 30 years old. HIV/AIDS cases among Aboriginal peoples have increased steadily over the past decade.[7]
Face a crisis in housing and living conditions:
· Health Canada states that as of May 2003, 12% of First Nations communities had to boil their drinking water and approximately ¼ of water treatment systems on-reserve pose a high risk to human health.
· Almost 25% of First Nations water infrastructures are at high risk of contamination.[8]
· Housing density is twice that of the general population. Nearly 1 in 4 First Nations adults live in crowded homes.[9] 423,000 people live in 89,000 overcrowded, substandard and rapidly deteriorating housing units.
· Almost half of the existing housing stock requires renovations.[10]
· 5,486 of the 88,485 houses on-reserve are without sewage service.
· Mold contaminates almost half of First Nations households.[11]
· More than 100 First Nations communities are under a Boil Water Advisory for drinking water.[12]
· Core funding to support on-reserve housing has remained unchanged for 20 years.
· Almost half of First Nations people residing off-reserve live in poor quality housing that is below standard. Most First Nations homes off-reserve are crowded.
· First Nations have limited access to affordable housing: 73% are in core need, most are spending more than the standard of 30% of their income on rent.
Are not attaining education levels equal to other Canadians, even though most First Nations are under the age of 25 and represent the workforce of tomorrow:
· There has been literally no progress over the last four years in closing the gap in high school graduation rates between First Nations and other Canadians. At the current rate, it will take 28 years for First Nations to catch-up to the non-Aboriginal population.[13]
· About 70% of First Nations students on-reserve will never complete high school.[14] Graduation rates for the on-reserve population range from 28.9%-32.1% annually.
· 10,000 First Nations students who are eligible and looking to attend post-secondary education are on waiting lists because of under-funding.
· The number of post-secondary students has been declining in recent years. In 1998-99, participation rates of Registered Indians was at a high of 27,157 but dropped to 25,075 in 2002-03.
· About 27% of the First Nations population between 15 and 44 years of age hold a post-secondary certificate, diploma, or degree, compared with 46% of the Canadian population within the same age group.[15]
Lack jobs and economic opportunities:
· Unemployment rates for all Aboriginal groups continue to be at least double the rate of the non-Aboriginal population. Registered Indians have the highest unemployment rate of any Aboriginal group, at 27%.[16]
· Registered Indians have the lowest labour force participation rate of any Aboriginal group, with a rate of 54%.[17]
Yet First Nations receive less from all levels of government than non-Aboriginal Canadians:
· The average Canadian gets services from the federal, provincial and municipal governments at an amount that is almost two-and-a-half times greater than that received by First Nations citizens.
· In 1996, the federal government capped funding increases for Indian Affairs’ core programs at 2% a year, which does not keep pace with inflation or the growing First Nations population. A recent Indian Affairs study found that the gap in “quality of life” between First Nations and Canadians stopped narrowing in 1996.
First Nations people in Canada…
Live in Third World conditions:
· First Nations living conditions or quality of life ranks 63rd, or amongst Third World conditions, according to an Indian and Northern Affairs Canada study that applied First Nations-specific statistics to the Human Development Index created by the United Nations.[1]
· Canada dropped from first to eighth as the best country in the world to live primarily due to housing and health conditions in First Nations communities.
· The First Nations’ infant mortality rate is 1.5 times higher than the Canadian infant mortality rate.[2]
· A study by Indian Affairs (the “Community Well-being Index”) assessed quality of life in 4,685 Canadian communities based on education, labour force activity, income and housing. There was only one First Nation community in the Top 100. There were 92 First Nations in the Bottom 100. Half of all First Nations communities score in the lower range of the index compared with 3% of other Canadian communities.
Die earlier than other Canadians:
· A First Nations man will die 7.4 years earlier than a non-Aboriginal Canadian. A First Nations woman will die 5.2 years earlier than her non-Aboriginal counterpart (life expectancy for First Nations citizens is estimated at 68.9 years for males and 76.6 years for females).[3]
Face increased rates of suicide, diabetes, tuberculosis and HIV/AIDS:
· The First Nations suicide rate is more than twice the Canadian rate. Suicide is now among the leading causes of death among First Nations between the ages of 10 and 24, with the rate estimated to be five to six times higher than that of non-Aboriginal youth.[4]
· The prevalence of diabetes among First Nations is at least three times the national average, with high rates across all age groups.[5]
· Tuberculosis rates for First Nations populations on-reserve are 8 to 10 times higher than those for the Canadian population.[6]
· Aboriginal peoples make up only 5% of the total population in Canada but represent 16% of new HIV infections. Of these, 45% are women and 40% are under 30 years old. HIV/AIDS cases among Aboriginal peoples have increased steadily over the past decade.[7]
Face a crisis in housing and living conditions:
· Health Canada states that as of May 2003, 12% of First Nations communities had to boil their drinking water and approximately ¼ of water treatment systems on-reserve pose a high risk to human health.
· Almost 25% of First Nations water infrastructures are at high risk of contamination.[8]
· Housing density is twice that of the general population. Nearly 1 in 4 First Nations adults live in crowded homes.[9] 423,000 people live in 89,000 overcrowded, substandard and rapidly deteriorating housing units.
· Almost half of the existing housing stock requires renovations.[10]
· 5,486 of the 88,485 houses on-reserve are without sewage service.
· Mold contaminates almost half of First Nations households.[11]
· More than 100 First Nations communities are under a Boil Water Advisory for drinking water.[12]
· Core funding to support on-reserve housing has remained unchanged for 20 years.
· Almost half of First Nations people residing off-reserve live in poor quality housing that is below standard. Most First Nations homes off-reserve are crowded.
· First Nations have limited access to affordable housing: 73% are in core need, most are spending more than the standard of 30% of their income on rent.
Are not attaining education levels equal to other Canadians, even though most First Nations are under the age of 25 and represent the workforce of tomorrow:
· There has been literally no progress over the last four years in closing the gap in high school graduation rates between First Nations and other Canadians. At the current rate, it will take 28 years for First Nations to catch-up to the non-Aboriginal population.[13]
· About 70% of First Nations students on-reserve will never complete high school.[14] Graduation rates for the on-reserve population range from 28.9%-32.1% annually.
· 10,000 First Nations students who are eligible and looking to attend post-secondary education are on waiting lists because of under-funding.
· The number of post-secondary students has been declining in recent years. In 1998-99, participation rates of Registered Indians was at a high of 27,157 but dropped to 25,075 in 2002-03.
· About 27% of the First Nations population between 15 and 44 years of age hold a post-secondary certificate, diploma, or degree, compared with 46% of the Canadian population within the same age group.[15]
Lack jobs and economic opportunities:
· Unemployment rates for all Aboriginal groups continue to be at least double the rate of the non-Aboriginal population. Registered Indians have the highest unemployment rate of any Aboriginal group, at 27%.[16]
· Registered Indians have the lowest labour force participation rate of any Aboriginal group, with a rate of 54%.[17]
Yet First Nations receive less from all levels of government than non-Aboriginal Canadians:
· The average Canadian gets services from the federal, provincial and municipal governments at an amount that is almost two-and-a-half times greater than that received by First Nations citizens.
· In 1996, the federal government capped funding increases for Indian Affairs’ core programs at 2% a year, which does not keep pace with inflation or the growing First Nations population. A recent Indian Affairs study found that the gap in “quality of life” between First Nations and Canadians stopped narrowing in 1996.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Harsh reality
We are not worth anything if we cannot see our "white priviledge" in this world, and as a wise man once said commit white suicide.....
This country is built on genocide,colonization and slavery... first of the First Nations people... then on the African people.... and now on every person of color.
Prison is set up as a form of slavery continuing. The police are cruel and racist. most white people deny that they have more rights, opportunities, respect, options than people of color do..... but do they get stopped by the police and beaten just for walking down the street and having white skin? i think not.
OPEN YOUR eyes...... we have to stop being blind and just living our lives ... we have to force change to happen on a small and large scale....
This country is built on genocide,colonization and slavery... first of the First Nations people... then on the African people.... and now on every person of color.
Prison is set up as a form of slavery continuing. The police are cruel and racist. most white people deny that they have more rights, opportunities, respect, options than people of color do..... but do they get stopped by the police and beaten just for walking down the street and having white skin? i think not.
OPEN YOUR eyes...... we have to stop being blind and just living our lives ... we have to force change to happen on a small and large scale....
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
When i look to find that which is only within myself
i fail
when i fail to find what i am looking for
i am desperate
when i am desperate to capture love and meaning
I am hopeless
When i am hopeless i fail to find anything of meaning anywhere...
.............................................................
there is so much to be found when looking into a persons eyes. There is so much to be lost when I focus on what others eyes tell me i am worth.
I am convinced that there is such a deep need in all of us to be heard and understood. even though i don't really understand myself sometimes.
lately i have been contemplating why i live the way i do. feel the way i do. think the way i do. I realize the past ALWAYS forms the way we live in the present... and it takes years of dedication to undo damage done to me and that i have done to myself because of the damage done to me or around me.
You cannot make a pretty picture if you are only given poop to work with. ya know.
i fail
when i fail to find what i am looking for
i am desperate
when i am desperate to capture love and meaning
I am hopeless
When i am hopeless i fail to find anything of meaning anywhere...
.............................................................
there is so much to be found when looking into a persons eyes. There is so much to be lost when I focus on what others eyes tell me i am worth.
I am convinced that there is such a deep need in all of us to be heard and understood. even though i don't really understand myself sometimes.
lately i have been contemplating why i live the way i do. feel the way i do. think the way i do. I realize the past ALWAYS forms the way we live in the present... and it takes years of dedication to undo damage done to me and that i have done to myself because of the damage done to me or around me.
You cannot make a pretty picture if you are only given poop to work with. ya know.
Friday, December 4, 2009
"We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people."
-Martin Luther King
Why am i surrounded by people that are in a constant state of denial about most things that are happening in the world and happening in the minds and hearts of those around them and around the world. They only see through their own lens and cannot seem to feel what others feel and see through others' eyes.
This new year is calling for me to not back down from what i believe. Most people in my life say i am too extreme but i believe i am truly passionate and it is the best thing about me. i have been told most of my growing up that there is something wrong with the way i look at the world and the way that i look at people and i used to believe that. I know now that i am just different... in a good way. There is not many people like me.. i think i have only met one so far, but they have past on to the great unknown( i miss you).......
I love deeply and am jealous of the ones i love.... because i have shared my heart with them and have given pieces of myself to them that i can never get back...
i cherish my dear ones, and i cherish the oppressed, overlooked and misunderstood. I care for those who have not received the love they deserved and needed.
REALITY IS HARD TO LOOK AT, BUT MAKES US BETTER, STRONGER PEOPLE
-Martin Luther King
Why am i surrounded by people that are in a constant state of denial about most things that are happening in the world and happening in the minds and hearts of those around them and around the world. They only see through their own lens and cannot seem to feel what others feel and see through others' eyes.
This new year is calling for me to not back down from what i believe. Most people in my life say i am too extreme but i believe i am truly passionate and it is the best thing about me. i have been told most of my growing up that there is something wrong with the way i look at the world and the way that i look at people and i used to believe that. I know now that i am just different... in a good way. There is not many people like me.. i think i have only met one so far, but they have past on to the great unknown( i miss you).......
I love deeply and am jealous of the ones i love.... because i have shared my heart with them and have given pieces of myself to them that i can never get back...
i cherish my dear ones, and i cherish the oppressed, overlooked and misunderstood. I care for those who have not received the love they deserved and needed.
REALITY IS HARD TO LOOK AT, BUT MAKES US BETTER, STRONGER PEOPLE
Saturday, November 28, 2009
where do i go?
where do i go when i have run out of options....
where do i find a place to lay my head...
it seems i have been searching for so long and cannot find
true love, real relationships... lasting friendships...
i wish i had my mommy to talk to... to ask for help and guidance in a world full of such oppression and sadness..
you say you see the bright side of this life
i say ... YOU MUST NOT BE LOOKING.....
denial is such a deceiver... it disguises itself with happy/safe feelings
but all it does is hide reality from our souls.
i feel so lost. i want to fly away or run away
what is this all for?
..........i do not celebrate the mass genocide of the beautiful native indigenous peoples... but i will give thanks for what i am truly grateful for.....
THANKSGIVING SEASON:
To my heart... my naya.... who reminds me there is still beauty in the world. you are my second chance.... i love love love you...
the only thing/person that i know understands and gets me is my precious spiritual reggae music.. thank you reggae for all that you have given me...truly you have saved me from jumping out a window.... and have held me when i am sad.
and thank you aaron for loving me soo even when i push away you are here...
you are my love. thank you for not giving up!
thankyou tamzen for all that you are to me and to naya... i love you sooo deeply...
where do i find a place to lay my head...
it seems i have been searching for so long and cannot find
true love, real relationships... lasting friendships...
i wish i had my mommy to talk to... to ask for help and guidance in a world full of such oppression and sadness..
you say you see the bright side of this life
i say ... YOU MUST NOT BE LOOKING.....
denial is such a deceiver... it disguises itself with happy/safe feelings
but all it does is hide reality from our souls.
i feel so lost. i want to fly away or run away
what is this all for?
..........i do not celebrate the mass genocide of the beautiful native indigenous peoples... but i will give thanks for what i am truly grateful for.....
THANKSGIVING SEASON:
To my heart... my naya.... who reminds me there is still beauty in the world. you are my second chance.... i love love love you...
the only thing/person that i know understands and gets me is my precious spiritual reggae music.. thank you reggae for all that you have given me...truly you have saved me from jumping out a window.... and have held me when i am sad.
and thank you aaron for loving me soo even when i push away you are here...
you are my love. thank you for not giving up!
thankyou tamzen for all that you are to me and to naya... i love you sooo deeply...
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Continuum Concept
" the god of my childhood wears black robes, has horns
on his head and carries an ax in his hand. how in the world
was I still able to slip past him?
all my life I have been creeping stealthily through
my landscape, under my arm the little bit of life I keep
thinking I have stolen."
-Mariella Mehr, (Stone Age)
I am reading a book right now called, "Thou shalt not be aware: Society's betrayal of the child". It is quite interesting and mind/ heart opening.
The first chapter starts out with describing moments after a child's birth to going home for the first time, but all from the child's perspective.... it is quite haunting really....
"She brings him home for the first time, thinking to herself, she wants to do everything right. She places him gently in the crib, which is decorated with yellow ducklings and matches his whole room. She has worked hard to furnish it with fluffy curtains, a giant panda rug, white dresser, and and a changing table equipped with all the essentials and much more. There are pictures on the walls of baby animals dressed as people. She straightens the baby's undershirt and and covers him with an embroidered sheet and blanket bearing his initials. She notes them with satisfaction.She bends to kiss the infants silky cheek and she moves towards the door as the first agonized shriek shakes his body.
She closes the door. She has declared war upon him. Her will must prevail over his. Through the door she hears what sounds like someone being tortured. Her continuum recognizes it as such. Nature does not make clear signals that someone is being tortured unless it is the case. It is precisely as serious as it sounds.
She hesitates, her heart pulled toward him, but resists and goes on her way.She lets him weep until he is exhausted.
He awakens and cries again. His mother looks at at the door to ascertain that he is in place;softly, as not to awaken in him any false hope of attention, she shuts the door again. She hurries to the kitchen, where she is working, and leaves the door open in case "anything happens to him."
The infants screams fade to quivering wales. As no response is forthcoming, the motive power of the signal(crying) loses itself in the confusion of barren emptiness where the relief ought, long since, to have arrived. He looks about. There is a wall beyond the bars of his crib. The light is dim. He cannot turn himself over. He sees only the bars, immobile, and the wall. He hears meaningless sounds in a distant world. There is no sound near him. He looks at the wall until his eyes close. When they open again, the bars and the wall are exactly as before, but the light is dimmer."
-Jean Liedloff, "THE CONTINUUM CONCEPT"
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