tired

......Yeah i could tell myself and people around me I don't care about finding love.
but to be honest we all want love. I realize finding love within myself alone is the first step , but i also desire love of another.. someone to talk to and hold and be held and confide in...... but honestly these days in our society the chances of meeting someone that has their shit together and that you can relate to and be real with and possibly build a future with is like finding, excuse the expression, a needle in a haystack.... I know i am NOT the only one that experiences this dilemma. and it is very disheartening to try to be open to meeting someone and then to be disappointed over and over and over again by the lack of communication and seriousness of the other partner.... I have been told over and over again that i take life too seriously, but life is SERIOUS people. When you date a person, please, don't leave them worse off then when you first met them. One DECISION can change the course of your life and others lives. Our choices effect so much more then just that moment and ourselves. WE have to be contentious and realize that we have a responsibility as human beings to care for one another and be fragile with others feelings and hearts.

We are doing a bad job at love.
If you have a girlfriend, treat her right and stop lying and cheating..
If you have a boyfriend stop keeping them at arms length let them in and share.
I believe in love..... love is the only thing that casts out fear as Martin Luther king Jr. said.


These are just some random thoughts running through my mind today. Let's love better. listen better. Be there for each other better. Be careful with each others souls....
because we are all connected and all one. Let's Be honest with one another... and with ourselves.

peace.
-tabitha gwinn

2011 by tabitha trott

Writings by Tabitha Trott: January 4th 2011


My desire..

“A love that heals.
A love that saves.
Unconditional in all parts, each day-
Even just that one moment each day that I am healed by love.”



For my George:

“Not wanting to just be…to just wait… for you to show me I’m worth something…..
for you to tell me I matter, that I mean something to you.. waiting, impatiently...like my life has no meaning without your calls, without your words, or your touch…your presence and your care……I’m so tired of waiting.





I haven’t written in months…feels like years.
Not even knowing how to begin but overflowing with feeling...with words making lines and sentences that re not understandable to anyone but myself.
I don’t know how to say what I need to say,,,,
I need to get it out:

The death of self. Not even recognizing this shiny Tabitha I have become…glitter/glamour/ selling my beauty for love (or feeling beautiful for love)…
Forgetting the things that made me truly beautiful which is the pain, the struggle for survival, the strength to keep existing even when I’m not alive. I give love when I don’t even have any left to give. The only thing I can still see of the real Tabitha is that I still can’t help but cry with those in pain, to feel the sorrow with those grieving, to hold those who need touch, to try to fix things and people that are broken… those parts of me still glimmer in the light….

I don’t even know what the past year of life has done to my insides….I bleed like never before…, but at the same moment when you are so used to pain- you become numb to it.

I want so badly to love with a wholeness… with my true self… with my insides…and to also be loved back. The worst thing of all is that I DON’T WANT TO WANT LOVE. I am tired of being in love with love…and being killed by disappointment and the weight of a meaningless relationship that I once believed meant everything.

The wind has been my friend for so long. I remember it blowing my hair, brushing against my skin… as a child it held me and when I would look up to the sky as if it would tell me all it’s sacred secrets… I thought it might hold all the answers for me.
Wind and Water…. MY two old friends. Wind that pushes that caresses…water that holds you when nobody else will….
………….I become part of the soul of this world when I even, for one moment, feel loved.

That’s why I crave it
That’s why I kill for it
That’s why I push it…force it….

------ I want to stop. I am tired of being strong…I want to be weak, but I will die of I am fragile… This life..my life….keeps shooting me down…breaking me/ lifting, pulling and I crash into myself.


The weight in my heart is so heavy. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. The constant let down… I want to stop wanting so badly. It takes over everything else. I want to stop feeling so deeply, because it seems like I am the only one that does.

the inside of me.

i want to be reborn.........

to stop being haunted by my past and scared of my future.

i want to beleive that there is a reason for all of this...

i have to choose death even though my insides might break in two...

my heart might break from the thought of you gone forever.

you who i dont even know.... my beautiful one.

i will look for you in the stars and think of you everyday...

i love love love you, and i am sorry ... so sorry.

i hope i will meet you one day.

i'm rastaman

Set me free - Bugle & Movado

I WANT TO FIND ME SOUL A HOME

Alone.... by MAYA ANGELOU

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Maya Angelou

TUPAC's song "Keep ya head up"

Little somethin for my godson Elijah and a little girl named Kerim
Some say the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice
I say the darker the flesh then the deeper the roots
I give a holler to my sisters on welfare
Tupac cares, if don't nobody else care
And uhh, I know they like to beat ya down a lot
When you come around the block brothas clown a lot
But please don't cry, dry your eyes, never let up
Forgive but don't forget, girl keep your head up
And when he tells you you ain't nuttin don't believe him
And if he can't learn to love you you should leave him
Cause sista you don't need him
And I ain't tryin to gas ya up, I just call em how I see em
You know it makes me unhappy (what's that)
When brothas make babies, and leave a young mother to be a pappy
And since we all came from a woman
Got our name from a woman and our game from a woman
I wonder why we take from our women
Why we rape our women, do we hate our women?
I think it's time to kill for our women
Time to heal our women, be real to our women
And if we don't we'll have a race of babies
That will hate the ladies, that make the babies
And since a man can't make one
He has no right to tell a woman when and where to create one
So will the real men get up
I know you're fed up ladies, but keep your head up

[Chorus]

Keep ya head up, oooo child things are gonna get easier
ooooo child things'll
get brighter [2x]

[Verse Two:]

Aiyyo, I remember Marvin Gaye, used to sing ta me
He had me feelin like black was tha thing to be
And suddenly tha ghetto didn't seem so tough
And though we had it rough, we always had enough
I huffed and puffed about my curfew and broke the rules
Ran with the local crew, and had a smoke or two
And I realize momma really paid the price
She nearly gave her life, to raise me right
And all I had ta give her was my pipe dream
Of how I'd rock the mic, and make it to tha bright screen
I'm tryin to make a dollar out of fifteen cents
It's hard to be legit and still pay tha rent
And in the end it seems I'm headin for tha pen
I try and find my friends, but they're blowin in the wind
Last night my buddy lost his whole family
It's gonna take the man in me to conquer this insanity
It seems tha rain'll never let up
I try to keep my head up, and still keep from gettin wet up
You know it's funny when it rains it pours
They got money for wars, but can't feed the poor
Say there ain't no hope for the youth and the truth is
it ain't no hope for tha future
And then they wonder why we crazy
I blame my mother, for turning my brother into a crack baby
We ain't meant to survive, cause it's a setup
And even though you're fed up
Huh, ya got to keep your head up

[Chorus]

[Verse Three:]

And uhh
To all the ladies havin babies on they own
I know it's kinda rough and you're feelin all alone
Daddy's long gone and he left you by ya lonesome
Thank the Lord for my kids, even if nobody else want em
Cause I think we can make it, in fact, I'm sure
And if you fall, stand tall and comeback for more
Cause ain't nuttin worse than when your son
wants to kno why his daddy don't love him no mo'
You can't complain you was dealt this
hell of a hand without a man, feelin helpless
Because there's too many things for you to deal with
Dying inside, but outside you're looking fearless
While da tears, is rollin down your cheeks
Ya steady hopin things don't fall down this week
Cause if it did, you couldn't take it, and don't blame me
I was given this world I didn't make it
And now my son's getten older and older and cold
From havin the world on his shoulders
While the rich kids is drivin Benz
I'm still tryin to hold on to my survivin friends
And it's crazy, it seems it'll never let up, but
please... you got to keep your head up