Tuesday, January 11, 2011

2011 by tabitha trott

Writings by Tabitha Trott: January 4th 2011

My desire..

“A love that heals.
A love that saves.
Unconditional in all parts, each day-
Even just that one moment each day that I am healed by love.”

For my George:

“Not wanting to just be…to just wait… for you to show me I’m worth something…..
for you to tell me I matter, that I mean something to you.. waiting, my life has no meaning without your calls, without your words, or your touch…your presence and your care……I’m so tired of waiting.

I haven’t written in months…feels like years.
Not even knowing how to begin but overflowing with feeling...with words making lines and sentences that re not understandable to anyone but myself.
I don’t know how to say what I need to say,,,,
I need to get it out:

The death of self. Not even recognizing this shiny Tabitha I have become…glitter/glamour/ selling my beauty for love (or feeling beautiful for love)…
Forgetting the things that made me truly beautiful which is the pain, the struggle for survival, the strength to keep existing even when I’m not alive. I give love when I don’t even have any left to give. The only thing I can still see of the real Tabitha is that I still can’t help but cry with those in pain, to feel the sorrow with those grieving, to hold those who need touch, to try to fix things and people that are broken… those parts of me still glimmer in the light….

I don’t even know what the past year of life has done to my insides….I bleed like never before…, but at the same moment when you are so used to pain- you become numb to it.

I want so badly to love with a wholeness… with my true self… with my insides…and to also be loved back. The worst thing of all is that I DON’T WANT TO WANT LOVE. I am tired of being in love with love…and being killed by disappointment and the weight of a meaningless relationship that I once believed meant everything.

The wind has been my friend for so long. I remember it blowing my hair, brushing against my skin… as a child it held me and when I would look up to the sky as if it would tell me all it’s sacred secrets… I thought it might hold all the answers for me.
Wind and Water…. MY two old friends. Wind that pushes that caresses…water that holds you when nobody else will….
………….I become part of the soul of this world when I even, for one moment, feel loved.

That’s why I crave it
That’s why I kill for it
That’s why I push it…force it….

------ I want to stop. I am tired of being strong…I want to be weak, but I will die of I am fragile… This life….keeps shooting me down…breaking me/ lifting, pulling and I crash into myself.

The weight in my heart is so heavy. Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. The constant let down… I want to stop wanting so badly. It takes over everything else. I want to stop feeling so deeply, because it seems like I am the only one that does.