Wednesday, December 16, 2009

When i look to find that which is only within myself
i fail
when i fail to find what i am looking for
i am desperate
when i am desperate to capture love and meaning
I am hopeless
When i am hopeless i fail to find anything of meaning anywhere...

there is so much to be found when looking into a persons eyes. There is so much to be lost when I focus on what others eyes tell me i am worth.

I am convinced that there is such a deep need in all of us to be heard and understood. even though i don't really understand myself sometimes.

lately i have been contemplating why i live the way i do. feel the way i do. think the way i do. I realize the past ALWAYS forms the way we live in the present... and it takes years of dedication to undo damage done to me and that i have done to myself because of the damage done to me or around me.

You cannot make a pretty picture if you are only given poop to work with. ya know.

Friday, December 4, 2009

"We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the hateful words and actions of the bad people but for the appalling silence of the good people."
-Martin Luther King

Why am i surrounded by people that are in a constant state of denial about most things that are happening in the world and happening in the minds and hearts of those around them and around the world. They only see through their own lens and cannot seem to feel what others feel and see through others' eyes.

This new year is calling for me to not back down from what i believe. Most people in my life say i am too extreme but i believe i am truly passionate and it is the best thing about me. i have been told most of my growing up that there is something wrong with the way i look at the world and the way that i look at people and i used to believe that. I know now that i am just different... in a good way. There is not many people like me.. i think i have only met one so far, but they have past on to the great unknown( i miss you).......

I love deeply and am jealous of the ones i love.... because i have shared my heart with them and have given pieces of myself to them that i can never get back...
i cherish my dear ones, and i cherish the oppressed, overlooked and misunderstood. I care for those who have not received the love they deserved and needed.


Saturday, November 28, 2009

where do i go?

where do i go when i have run out of options....

where do i find a place to lay my head...
it seems i have been searching for so long and cannot find
true love, real relationships... lasting friendships...
i wish i had my mommy to talk to... to ask for help and guidance in a world full of such oppression and sadness..

you say you see the bright side of this life
i say ... YOU MUST NOT BE LOOKING.....

denial is such a deceiver... it disguises itself with happy/safe feelings
but all it does is hide reality from our souls.

i feel so lost. i want to fly away or run away
what is this all for?

..........i do not celebrate the mass genocide of the beautiful native indigenous peoples... but i will give thanks for what i am truly grateful for.....

To my heart... my naya.... who reminds me there is still beauty in the world. you are my second chance.... i love love love you...

the only thing/person that i know understands and gets me is my precious spiritual reggae music.. thank you reggae for all that you have given me...truly you have saved me from jumping out a window.... and have held me when i am sad.

and thank you aaron for loving me soo even when i push away you are here...
you are my love. thank you for not giving up!
thankyou tamzen for all that you are to me and to naya... i love you sooo deeply...

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Continuum Concept

" the god of my childhood wears black robes, has horns
on his head and carries an ax in his hand. how in the world
was I still able to slip past him?
all my life I have been creeping stealthily through
my landscape, under my arm the little bit of life I keep
thinking I have stolen."
-Mariella Mehr, (Stone Age)

I am reading a book right now called, "Thou shalt not be aware: Society's betrayal of the child". It is quite interesting and mind/ heart opening.
The first chapter starts out with describing moments after a child's birth to going home for the first time, but all from the child's perspective.... it is quite haunting really....

"She brings him home for the first time, thinking to herself, she wants to do everything right. She places him gently in the crib, which is decorated with yellow ducklings and matches his whole room. She has worked hard to furnish it with fluffy curtains, a giant panda rug, white dresser, and and a changing table equipped with all the essentials and much more. There are pictures on the walls of baby animals dressed as people. She straightens the baby's undershirt and and covers him with an embroidered sheet and blanket bearing his initials. She notes them with satisfaction.She bends to kiss the infants silky cheek and she moves towards the door as the first agonized shriek shakes his body.
She closes the door. She has declared war upon him. Her will must prevail over his. Through the door she hears what sounds like someone being tortured. Her continuum recognizes it as such. Nature does not make clear signals that someone is being tortured unless it is the case. It is precisely as serious as it sounds.
She hesitates, her heart pulled toward him, but resists and goes on her way.She lets him weep until he is exhausted.
He awakens and cries again. His mother looks at at the door to ascertain that he is in place;softly, as not to awaken in him any false hope of attention, she shuts the door again. She hurries to the kitchen, where she is working, and leaves the door open in case "anything happens to him."

The infants screams fade to quivering wales. As no response is forthcoming, the motive power of the signal(crying) loses itself in the confusion of barren emptiness where the relief ought, long since, to have arrived. He looks about. There is a wall beyond the bars of his crib. The light is dim. He cannot turn himself over. He sees only the bars, immobile, and the wall. He hears meaningless sounds in a distant world. There is no sound near him. He looks at the wall until his eyes close. When they open again, the bars and the wall are exactly as before, but the light is dimmer."

Friday, November 20, 2009

Losing who you love....

To lose that which you hardly believed you had anyway
seems to be a greater loss.... than losing that which you know you have for sure...

I made a decision last night that the only relationships i can put time, effort and love into are the relationships with people that love me and naya and are dedicated to having a deep and lasting relationship with us both.... because naya is my world and to have people around me that don't view her as the important soul she is are damaging to her and to me. Children should be surrounded by people that are consistent and stable....

When i love someone i love completely and take seriously every word between those whom i love and myself. When a relationship is is over.
And i have to say that if you don't love those who are most important in your life.. you have nothing.

With every year I grow older, I am shocked by the amount of friends that leave relatiosnhips with people they have known for so long. True friends are hard to find... and to find them is priceless.

I am...
We are...
such a delicate people
fragile and hard.... I am
We are afraid and fearless....

We run towards false comfort and hold it with all our might

What hurts the most is when people don't understand.... when they are defensive.. when they abandon you......

please take away my fears and blow away my pain so that i can find truth and love and justice. Heal me. heal me. heal me.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The little boy

Today i met the cutest little boy... he was almost three and i was informed his mom wasn't around often and he cried alot because he missed her.

his abandonment and sadness showed through his eyes... and his need for love from his mother was absolutely heartbreaking. I asked him to sit and have lunch by me and we shared my french fries and talked about elmo. I told him i was going to go and said bye and he said I want to go with you. I cried immediately at a table full of people. He was me.... when i was 3. So i went outside and played with him and his auntie and we had a good time. I told him i would see him later that night and he said ok.

5 hours later... i saw him and right away he came and sat on my lap. My daughter naya.. looked at me like what is he doing? and i told her that he was my friend. So she went back to coloring her buggies. He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the table to get food and i went with him... we sat and ate together... and i just kept looking at him and wanted to explain to him how life was cruel and that even though his parents didn't show him love that he was loveable and worth sooo much....

He had to drive back to his home with his aunt and he came to say goodbye to me... he said goodbye ad i said i will see you soon.. and he said "can you come with me?" and i said i cannot.. i live here in chicago. He started crying , his face filled with such pain.. i said it would be ok... knowing it would not be ok for him. that life has dealt him a bad hand and to make a good hand out of it would be so hard and maybe for some impossible.

I didn't know what to say.. i just rubbed his shoulder and said i will see you soon. ok? then he had to go and let sobbing.

I am him. He is me.
The connection.
I saw myself. He saw himself and we didn't want to let each other go.
I will never forget his eyes... and i will never forget him.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I am...
We are...
such a delicate people
fragile and hard.... I am
We are afraid and fearless....

We run towards false comfort and hold it with all our might

you who say you love...look in the mirror...
and examine if you give the love you yourself long for.

i'm so hurt by my family and those who nature gives to love and care for you.

What hurts the most is when people don't understand.... when they are defensive.. when they abandon you......

please take away my fears and blow away my pain so that i can find truth and love and justice. Heal me. heal me. heal me.
Im so sad right now.....
Most of my dear friends around me are dating awful men that i wish would disappear...
I listen to them when they cry...i laugh with them when they just need a break and i give advice even when they don't want it. I truly love them and hope they would wake up and realize how beautiful and smart and WORTHY they are.

I know it might feel good to get some attention... but it is all so very empty!


the feeling of unfairness tugging at my every move...
every voice in my head telling me a different story of what is and what was
how was it really... when i was 3 years old?
was i all alone and quiet?.. was I an angry little girl...?

i begin to wonder will naya be ok?
can a damaged woman be a good mother...?
......... especially me who doesn't know what a mother is.

i love her more everyday which makes me more and more anxious.
i worry for her precious mind... her heart... her dear dear little life... and want her to be aware of all the cruel things but not be crushed by that weight but inspired to change the world. I want her to know she needs no attention or affirmation from any man or any human for that matter......she is competent and spiritual without religion and rules.
She is mother earth and gives life to all....

my beautiful dear daughter..

Oh she is home. Her "dad" just dropped her off.... (i wonder if he loves her?)

aahhh the wondering and loss of control that i feel at almost every moment of every day...... She matters more than anybody or anything....

but i still mess up and scream and get angry.... breathe tabitha...
SHE is your world.

Love her how you needed to be loved by a mother....
Love her the way she deserves...
She is your heart...

I go..............

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

MY Angry days

Lately my days have been filled with so much anger i don't know where to turn.
I've started to be violent with a good friend of mine and can't seem to get it together...then i find this personality disorder that describes every single thing i have been feeling since i can remember. I don't really buy into the "disorders" thing but I definitely believe that certain trauma causes certain effects on us and we find ways to cope.... and it becomes harder and harder to be "normal" (which i never want to be)... but i don't want to feel this crazy all the time... and this angry... it's like walking around with so many wounds you cannot seem to breathe... and I look around at some of the people i thought cared and they have moved on and i have such a deep sense of abandonment that anytime someone chooses another instead of me i take it so personally. to the depth of my being.

Real love shows itself when all the inauthentic love falls away... who is left to hold you when you cry and listen and try to understand? What advise is there really. I can only find these answer within myself or in the winds many mysteries..... Sylvia Plath

Your clear eye is the one absolutely beautiful thing.
I want to fill it with color and ducks,
The zoo of new

Whose name you meditate
April snowdrop, Indian Pipe,

Stalk without wrinkle,
Pool in which images
Should be grand and classical

Not this troublous
Wringing of hands, this dark
Ceiling without a star.


Thought i would start a blog... not for any reason particular... i just need to be able to talk but find myself alone most of the time, so i decided i will write on the internet and see if it helps at all.