Wednesday, November 11, 2009

MY Angry days

Lately my days have been filled with so much anger i don't know where to turn.
I've started to be violent with a good friend of mine and can't seem to get it together...then i find this personality disorder that describes every single thing i have been feeling since i can remember. I don't really buy into the "disorders" thing but I definitely believe that certain trauma causes certain effects on us and we find ways to cope.... and it becomes harder and harder to be "normal" (which i never want to be)... but i don't want to feel this crazy all the time... and this angry... it's like walking around with so many wounds you cannot seem to breathe... and I look around at some of the people i thought cared and they have moved on and i have such a deep sense of abandonment that anytime someone chooses another instead of me i take it so personally. to the depth of my being.

Real love shows itself when all the inauthentic love falls away... who is left to hold you when you cry and listen and try to understand? What advise is there really. I can only find these answer within myself or in the winds many mysteries.....


  1. Scattered thoughts, Tabi, and forgive my Christian emphasis here (there are general principles you can perhaps use whether or not accepting my Christian basis for these thoughts).

    Anger is very complex. The Bible (and most therapists) remind us that anger is not always a bad thing.

    "Be angry and do not sin; on your bed, reflect in your heart and be still." Psalm 4:4 (see also Ephesians 4:26, that reminds us not to let "the sun go down on your anger" -- that is, to let anger turn into bitterness of heart.)

    Anger should bring us toward reflection. Why are we angry? Is anger the real primary emotion, or a disguise for fear or pain? Even if the anger is justified, what is the most constructive way to express that anger?

    When I get angry, and don't reflect before acting, the results are almost always bad and require me to do repair work in relationships I've messed up.

    And anger can be destructive.

    Psalms 37:8 reads, "Refrain from anger and give up [your] rage; do not be agitated-it can only bring harm."

    So it appears anger isn't something to remain within -- we need to move on from it to something more constructive or it will result in "rage" and agitation.

    James writes in verses 1:19-20, "My dearly loved brothers, understand this: everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger, 20 for man’s anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness."

    There are some general truths there from which, whether Christian or not, a person can learn. Flash-point anger may prevent us from truly hearing what others are trying to say to us. It may also lead to us saying to others deeply hurtful things. And finally, it won't accomplish the healing and building up of relationships as they are meant to be (loving in God's righteousness).

    Anger is sometimes about feeling so right. And Lord knows I've sinned that way too many times to count. Humility walks with patience and gentleness, while anger often walks with pride. I am a proud man, and so easily made self-righteously angry.

    It again goes back to the ability to become self-reflective, able to look past anger to find out what is behind the anger.

    Pray for me, dear daughter, and I'll pray for you.


  3. i love you too...
    the truth is, i think you have a lot to be justly angry about...
    that fiery part of you is something i love, but i think that the goal of self-reflection and thoughtfulness is a worthy one and i am trying to do the same... i hope you never lose that part of you that doesn't tolerate injustice, for yourself and others... its something that i need in my life. and i hope that you are able to continually transform that sensitivity to a deeper, more unshakable sense of love and clarity...

    then, once you figure that out, you can become a therapist and teach all of us :)

  4. thanks a.d.
    that means alot to me