the feeling of unfairness tugging at my every move...
every voice in my head telling me a different story of what is and what was
BUT
how was it really... when i was 3 years old?
was i all alone and quiet?.. was I an angry little girl...?
i begin to wonder will naya be ok?
can a damaged woman be a good mother...?
......... especially me who doesn't know what a mother is.
i love her more everyday which makes me more and more anxious.
i worry for her precious mind... her heart... her dear dear little life... and want her to be aware of all the cruel things but not be crushed by that weight but inspired to change the world. I want her to know she needs no attention or affirmation from any man or any human for that matter......she is competent and spiritual without religion and rules.
She is mother earth and gives life to all....
my beautiful dear daughter..
Oh she is home. Her "dad" just dropped her off.... (i wonder if he loves her?)
aahhh the wondering and loss of control that i feel at almost every moment of every day...... She matters more than anybody or anything....
but i still mess up and scream and get angry.... breathe tabitha...
SHE is your world.
Love her how you needed to be loved by a mother....
Love her the way she deserves...
She is your heart...
here
I go..............
save this and show it to her as she gets older...
ReplyDeleteyou must be doing something right, because i've never been around a child like naya. her soul is old and her eyes are bright... and sometimes, i swear, she knows more than me.
Beautifully written. As far as damaged women and mothers go, I hang every day on the hope that the pain in my past can somehow make my girls smarter and stronger than I was. We will cross our fingers together:)
ReplyDeleteyes yes yes
ReplyDelete